Spider-legs grace across silver webbing, Tiny toes interlocked with the notches on your spine; I’ve never kissed someone held onto me. I’ve never held someone who kissed me when I cried. We are Polaris. As her steady flare fleets, I study the cracks between your feet, where callouses grow. I didn’t know the word salvation could be calculated from a thousand pulsing seconds, I didn’t know counting seconds was the only way to go To reach infinity. I held you inside of me, and clocked every slipping tick. And as the waters grow thick, Our lips press, and I can feel the presence of a thousand rain clouds. Rain that beat down on ancient samurai in battle. On the outskirts of Seattle, I cradled you under a bridge, And named your glow Orion. With a belt around your heart that I couldn’t keep from shining, Even if I tried. I want to be your favorite lie, every time I kiss you. Every time I miss you, I remember that we are future plans without a month of history, that my life to you is still just a mystery, but I already feel safe. You are a perfect snowball, The last trickle of a water fall sashaying into the blue. When I think of you, I see can catch every detail. I was told there was a grand creator. I don’t know when I’ll meet my maker, But when I do, I’ll tell her she made you perfect. How you are worth it. I was ready to forfeit, spent most of my life going alone. I didn’t know you were simply the throw of a stone away from our street. I never knew happiness would dance on two feet.

The calendar got it wrong. We were promised autumn, But the heat song from the sidewalk swore to me it was summer. I wore that heat like a torn up pair of blue jeans. The summer has always flown inside of me. I am a love child. A dancer of late night stars. A walker of the wind. You can call me Morisette, Because just like Alanis, You can bet that I've got one hand in my pocket, And the other wrapped around a tall glass of you. It was irrefutably true in the moment, in history, When I kissed you at the Lake And you damn near missed me because we were dripping wet, So you kissed my nose instead. I don't care what they said. They can call us lesbians, (Even though we both have dicks.) But I'll never grow sick of holding your hand. Timid is not who I am, So I will kiss you in front of their hate, And won’t ever this soul escape through the cracks in the gaps of our hands. I love you so much. With my bones and your bones, Because a single skeleton wouldn't be enough to summarize the way I memorized each line on your face, Or the callous tied to your palm. You are more holy than a psalm on Easter Sunday. And one day, I swear I'm going to get you out of this town. I've been around long enough to realize when I've got it good, And baby, we've got it great. We can be downsized in a New York estate, With bills to our ears, But I'll still clear a channel to hear “All that we ever wanted is just one step away.” I never thought I'd be one to write love poems, But lately that's all I can write. Honey, you're doing something right. When you tell me my tongue tastes like oranges when kiss. There is no hit and miss with you, Only home runs. And I want to run home with you, You are the one who I'm thinking of at the end of the night. You are the single firefly tapping at my window. My paper mâché heart could never let go Of what we hold. My lonesome lips will never take back what they told You are my soul You make me whole. Without you I am dandelion at the mercy of the wind. A burning house that's collapsing from within. These walls hold memories, and photographs, and trips to the Zoo. Old bus tickets, and worn out shoes, Because I would walk every footstep you ever took, Just to be a shadow that could hold you when you shook, And breathe every breath you ever stole from me. You write my history. So I don't care if it's snowing in July, If birds fly north in the winter, Hell, the pope could get it wrong, But lover, we'll just keep moving on. Because I found forward in your eyes. And I capsized my soul into the rhythm of your heartbeat, Knowing your passion would lead me to the other side. There are times where I felt so all alone, That I was homesick inside my home. But you melt away every bitter word I ever needed to say. So I do love you I love you I love you, I do. And that's where in gonna stay In the folds of your arms that split the night and day. Wrapped up in your fingertips, While the world slips quietly away.

The night you told me, "I wish I was a rock." I promised that I would become a sculpture. That way I could chisel your face into everything I see, baby, I always want you next to me. Those nights we walked through the rain together, back to your apartment, I swore, I had never been wetter. But hey, that was okay, because I was holding your hand. Do you remember? Do you remember that night I told you, I would search all across the land to find your face, there is no one I'd rather place on that bed next to me, than you. You are everything I wished inside of me, since I was 7 years old. You are the spanish guitarist, plucking at my heart strings, and I haven't even taught you how to play yet. You are the Lysol, that santizes all the regret inside of me. You are the dove, carrying the olive branch to my loosing battle. You are the full cup, when I've run dry. You are aloevera knleenex, everytime I need to cry. I think we share a soul. Because everyday before you, I couldn't figure out how to feel whole. Maybe we are the same, yin and yang. But separated under the same sun. The only thing I know, is that you are the only one to make me feel this happy. At night, when I was little, I would stop breathing in my sleep. But now, I know that was really just your soul slipping inside of me, pretending to be my oxygen. From 10,000 miles away. From 2 inches away, on your couch, all I can say is I love you. And that you are my some day.

The first time I ever held his hand, Was under the shelter of an over pass, Along the 105 highway. We lay burnt up like summer sand, In our garden of Eden. And I watched the way his eyes danced When he lit up like an atom bomb. "We could be gone." I said "Even though I just met you, I know I can't do wrong with you around. Lets leave this town. I wanna see what the stars in Madrid look like with you I wanna see just how far our fingers can creep, From the place where we'd once sleep, And reach for a better tomorrow. Let me borrow you, For just one lifetime." The first date I ever took him on was during a torrential downpour. I asked him if he had ever kissed anyone in in the rain before, And I thought I was so smooth, As his lips connected with the groves of my mouth. Collecting droplets from the spouts in the sky. Maybe from their heaven it didn't look like very much, But from a boy who grew up alone in a bathtub, It was enough to make me cry. If he had asked me at fifteen how I thought I was going to die, I would have said "with my wrist slit clean, before 25." But that was before I found him. I had never felt close to holy before that time. I know every word from that text message where he agreed to be my boyfriend, I'd reread it every time I felt alone, and before that night came to an end I had memorized every line. The first time me and him ever got high, I fell head first into the pavement, And woke up to the sight of his face, As he frantically looked for where I may have misplaced my brain cells. And when he found them, I could only think "Why didn't you just leave me on the street?" But together, we crawled away from the concrete, And laid in the shelter of dry grass, Every moment from that day past, I would call him my guardian angel. No one ever cared enough to kiss my cuts and scrapes, No one ever thought to pull me out of danger's way, As it rolled towards me in an aquamarine minivan. No one ever held me until I was no longer black and blue. The first time I ever told him "I love you," We were naked on a couch, In his empty dark living room. And we proved to ourselves, That enough love in your heart could ignite A two bedroom apartment like the 4th of July. We left that night in each other's jackets. With fireworks in our brains, as small are fireflies. I loved the way he filled out my clothes better than I did, When they just hung off my shoulders, The way my over active smile hangs from the corners of my cheek, Every time he was around me. Every time he was around me, I remembered little love songs I heard on my boom box as a kid. Every time he was around me, I could find the parts of myself I thought long ago I hid. Every time he was around me, I knew that love doesn't always have to die. The first time I ever saw him cry, Was in the back of a silver car, With a girl that was too stoned to drive. So we stayed in that empty parking lot at midnight, And I held him as close as I could while I sang: "You are my sunshine, My only sunshine. You make me happy, When skies are gray." And with his gray scarf tapped with tears, I cleared a path for only our ears, And whispered "I'm always going to be here." The first time I got down on one knee, I was praying "Let me be the thing to make him happy." In my mind I was shuffling the words to my poem, Like a deck of cards. Trying not to loose track of time, Trying to make sure I matched every rhythm with every rhyme, As I gripped his ring so tight in my palms that my hands turned white. There were not enough words in this life, that I could possibly write, To describe how much I loved him. And when he slipped that ring on his finger, That love doubled, till it shone so bright, That it drove out the night, And we lived in forever in sunlight. The first apartment we got together, Was in the haunted town of Canton, Georgia A shower just big enough for two bodies, Late nights we'd sit together on our bed, Dripping wet, with old Dylan songs in my head, And a bottle of wine in his hand. And we'd float high like paper lanterns over the land, Offering a what little glow we could give, To the houses down below where the other people lived. Stuck in their unhappy reality. Our reality was painted with moon rays, and midnight swims. Ballet dances, and sun-kissed skin. I would wrap my little arms around his Adonis chest, "we found Nirvana," I'd say "in the one thing we know best, Each other." The first day our daughter had kindergarten, He walked her to the bus stop, While I waved from the window. Together we learned to let go of the little girl That somehow snuck into our world. For the next six hours we sat under the orange tree, By our big blue house. He'd look at me and say, "This is the life we always wanted." And the best I could do was to grab his hand and pray, To whatever god, To whatever power that paved my way, To just stay in that moment. To just stay in the folds of marigolds, And packed school lunches. But the clock often cheats, And days turn into weeks, Turn into years, Turn into birthday parties, And new cars, And graduation. Turn into bad hips, And gray hair, No matter how much we deny that it's true. The last time I told him "I love you," Was in a hospital bed at 85... The last time I ever kissed him goodbye, Was when he stayed by my side as my monitor flatlined, And he sang to me: "You are my sunshine, My only sunshine. You make me happy, When skies are gray. You'll never know dear, How much I love you. So please don't take, My sunshine away."

Last week, me and my friend Maggie got stoned. As we're sitting on my couch, flipping through old photos, Maggie keeps her gaze three seconds longer, on a photo from last Fourth of July. It's a photo Maggie hasn't seen before. Maggie stares an additional three seconds at that photo, and I know why. It's a photo of her. A photo of her, that Maggie hasn't seen before. And she is trying to store any additional knowledge of her that she can, because Maggie still loves her... but now she's gone. And Maggie is just left with memories. Just like every time you come home tweaked, I am left with memories. When you leave a text message open on your phone, about the stranger's amazing cock you got this weekend, I am left with memories. When you tell me that you no longer are in love with who I am, I am left with memories. Memories of the future I had planned to pull me away from the memories of my past. Because even in the coldest winter, you can always still see the grass, always still green. Just like I know that maybe the reason why the caged bird chooses to sing, is just to prove to his captures that they can beat the freedom out of him, but they can't clip his wings. He'll still be there. I will still be there. Even when you throw me away. Even when you slam my sick body to the ground, and take off. I will still be singing. When you tell me to get lost, you can't control the strides of my wings. I am telling you these things, so you know that you are not alone. So know, that you always have a home, in the complex of my soul. With an open door, and a key under the mat. Just in case you think you can't turn something like this around, I am the sound of every syllable you spoke, when you stuffed your nose full of coke, and said you were talking to the world. I know that when you were younger, you never really got a chance to be heard. But is it so absurd to understand, that someone loves you. So much, that they are not going to leave. No matter how bad they were their heart on their sleeve. No matter how tight your hand grips on the soft spot of their throat. No matter how much you gloat online, about how your having such a good fucking time. I know you have to write those things, because liar liar, pants on fire. Cat's got your goddamn tongue. We both know that crystal meth wasn't always the only thing, that made you feel like you belonged to someone.

I fell asleep crying last night, Just like I did last Thursday, Just like I'll do again tomorrow. Just like I'll probably do for the rest of this damn week You don't get to borrow me, Any time you please But then again, I guess I let you So maybe who knows, maybe you do. Honestly....what the hell do I mean to you? It is now 3:00am, And I'm still waiting for you to walk the door, From six hours ago now I'm just laying on the floor Thinking for six hours I want you to hit me When you get home I want you to clock me, So I don't have to do it myself You owe me that much respect After all this hell. Just do me a solid, And prove that I wasn't the one to make this end Because I'm feeling guiltier than Heavens sin Your grandma used to call me the Antichrist Used to tell you to think twice before shaking my hand Maybe she was right Maybe I am that rusty old knife in your side Tearing you away from the things you once took pride in, But I thought you were always proud of me I mean, that's what you told me All those times When I was too broken apart to cry You said "the bark of your personality Is growing on my family tree You must be an invasive species Because you're taking over me." And you shook me harder Than Nagasaki I'd do anything for that love I always want you beside me It breaks my heart, That we never put our photos in that frame you bought That our band will never go on tour That I will never be sure now if what we had was real for you What things now I should feel towards you Because you own me I think that means I have Stockholm syndrome You used to be a boy, Who believed in gods holy kingdom And now you just praise the bubble, I swore I'm talking to a stunt double, Because you would never be covered in this much rubble Of a shitty mistake This was never your fate I was supposed to protect you From anything bad coming your way And look where we are now Half way between lovers and desolate You told me you have no regrets Not about anything Well what they hell is that supposed to mean? Where does that leave me? I'm drowning in our ocean And all you can say is "breathe," "breathe," "breathe."

I miss July's longevity. I miss you here with me. I miss rainy summer nights. Walking the streets, a cigarette pressed half between my teeth and heaven. Four hours past eleven, when I'd leave you tangled up in pounds of my smoke. I miss riding in the cloaked backseat of an old station wagon. With my hand out the window, and a reason for braggin'. Because on that deserted highway, I was invisible. I was night-patrol, I was without control. And god, I miss being invincible. The way we'd talk without syllables, and every line would be as clear as a bell. I miss the things we'd tell each other. On top of a hole, on a hill, in the sun. I miss being the only one who knew how to make you laugh. I miss days that cut the night in half. I miss being afraid. I miss pants being ripped and frayed at my knees. I miss being naive. I miss the things I hadn't done, and the shit I hadn't seen. When a scrapped elbow was a bullet from a gun, stitched by mom's hugs and a band-aid in perfect ratio. I miss "Soak up the Sun" on our boombox radio, the only song we knew for an entire ten weeks. I miss crickets through screen portals, and lives built under new sheets. I miss sitting in a classroom, long after school let out. On rugs, with a friend, away from home, a second house. I miss not being able to define childhood. I miss when living was not understood, and I miss growing up. I miss last summer, when you told me you loved me like a brother. But I miss even more, when I didn't miss a lover. And I miss hearing songs. Because words don't hold meaning, if you're not fighting strong, and I miss being able to surrender. And retreat to covers, and a bedroom, with walls painted blue. To a pocket in time, tied to me like my shoes. With a couple good friends, a memory or two, and plenty to miss, before I missed you.